From past few years almost daily I am hearing one or two suicide cases. Looks like it has become fashion to kill own self!! Is it so?? I don’t know. Anyways least interested to know also but one thing what I found common was the reason and the way most of them kill oneself. What has happened to our generation ….Where has their creativity gone??
Same old boring reasons to die ...
Same old boring ways to commit suicide ...
Aren’t they capable enough to create a some different, creative yet suicidal style to kill themselves?? Neither the reason has some creativity or substance nor do the methods followed have some innovation. What a heck!!!!!!!! Just a waste of resources ...
It’s a universal truth ‘My creativity sucks’ however thought what about having few ways and ideas for killing. ( I am terming it as creative!!)
Now don’t appear to be so happy dear.. .. I am not planning for a ‘Suicide’ …so all my dear friends you don’t have a reason to celebrate…. You can’t escape from me. Anyways also suicide isn’t in my dictionary …. (Coz I don’t have any!!!!!!!)………..we have heard about Oxfords Dictionary, Webster’s one, Collins … Have you ever heard of Preetu’s Dictionary????
Talking about suicides neither have time to waste nor have guts for a suicide …. Suicide doesn’t kill you... It kills yours …. Your family, friends, your dreams, your desires etc…. isn’t it ?!?….
Anyways continuing the usual time pass in which I m always engrossed and involved … thought to make suicide more interesting ……. adventurous ……. When life should be adventurous... Same goes for death J he he he …..wats say!!!
So then I thought, why not list all the possibilities of killing oneself in STYLE (I am trying to buy some time here by writing something immaterial, hope you understand my spirit to live a bit longer and do this great service to mankind).
I thought of few creative ways to kill: actually I am terming it as creative …. Don’t know whether actually they are creative or not …. So looking forward for few volunteers ….any one out???
It’s just that I hate monotonous attribute in anything so to all the guys and gals planning to die I am just giving few more interesting ways for you to commit suicide. I hope you would agree that at least your news that you committed suicide wont be the typical mundane one we see in newspapers and television like “she hanged himself from the ceiling fan like or “he consumed poison or “he slit his wrist’ ‘she jumped from the 8th floor’.. How boring … log bore nahi hote … “yaar atleast marne ki khabar chappe to lagna to chahiye ki kya style mei marre hai!” ….
The above mentioned methods don’t do justice to a creative person who is so creative in thinking and deciding to let die themselves and run away from life.
So here are a few entries/experiments I jotted down on my “Record Book” and making it fair in my ‘Journal’ ( saala aadat lag gayi hai journal experiment likhne ki .. Dimag ussi style mei kaam karta hai)
# (If would have been an organized person would have said ----‘yes I believe in doing everything in a systematic manner, even when it involves killing !’)
Experiment 1
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: “Food” prepared by ME – Preetu the great.*** (There is a reason for my quoting the so called food ok)
Procedure: (Now if you were thinking that this experiment involves eating “food” to die, damn you don’t know what creativity is at all! I pray to god that even my enemies shouldn’t have the ill fate of eating the “food” ;) however since you are so excited and adamant to kill yourself follow the following points in order.
- Take a small sample “food” cooked by me in a plate.
- Now remove all your protective clothing and your hand gloves. (Don’t forget to remove your mask)
- Now that you have removed the entire protective anti-radiation suit, the harmful radiations from “food” will do the job in couple of minutes. You don’t have to do anything.
Note: The radiation emanating from the “food” is strong enough. Don’t get over enthusiastic and actually consume the “food”!
Observation: All the harmful radiations in the spectrum were found emanating from the sample taken.
Conclusion: “Food” cooked by me is the best way to kill yourself and the problem is just that you need patience and a bit of courage plus how will you pursue me ( a lazy bone) to cook for you ( I don’t know cooking).
I visit my kitchen rarely and that too if my dinner is not on dinning table then to take it or serve food to family members sometimes. However please do send the proposal will surely think about it. ( only attractive offers will be given a thought and justify why you wanna die – plz show some creativity ok – not the usual one like ‘ zindgi se tang aa
*** In my life I just cooked once for my family and next day my father got admitted in hospital for 15 days – that too without eating – so you see the power of radiation!!!!!
Experiment 2
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: Wealth – that’s lots and lots of money (obviously papa ke honge coz akal hoti to na khud ke paise hote and akal hoti to suicide nahi karte.)
Procedure: Using the money, take a flight to
Note: For best results, sport a constipated look on your face plus a mysterious looking bag preferably black. Your skin colour and your Asian origin will do the rest.
Observation: Probability of your head brimming with bullets is approximately = 1.1
Conclusion: Success guaranteed under the present scenario.
Experiment 3
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: Manja or a copper wire (without the sheath of course!), a tree or a ceiling fan.
Procedure: This is a variant of “hanging from the ceiling by a rope” procedure. ( but then that’s is how boring everyone does that so you do in a new style) In place of a rope, use the manja, which is used when flying kites or the copper wire.
Note: The manja/copper wire and the ceiling fan or the tree branch should be able to support your weight. So possible only for those light weight people obviously from this one method I am excluded automatically. So a recommendation is before using this method is to start exercising, taking proper diet ( don’t worry darling I am a nutritionist will plan a regular diet for you*)
Observation: More effective than the rope version.
Conclusion: Quite a practical method but lacks much creativity because the method is same, same procedure is followed its just that the equipment is changing the variables here (from rope to wire).
*extra charges applied besides my consulting fees and plus one big bar of chocolate and an ice cream for me for every session of consultancy
Experiment 4
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: A 2 inch pocket knife, a handkerchief (colour of your choice)
Procedure: Tie your handkerchief around your face. Hold the pocket knife menacingly in your hand. Go to a butcher’s shop and threaten them to give you all their money or bear the consequence (waving your pocket knife).
Note: Choose a shop with more number of butchers for better result. For that do a market survey first and then take attempt.
Observation: Human flesh, like the animal flesh is quite susceptible to the butcher’s blade which is being sharpened at regular interval. However do try that you go in morning when there is a chance that butching hasn’t been started for that day so the butcher knife will be clean which reduces your risk of dying with AIDS ( coz if you die of AIDS – no creativity involved. It’s boring and old fashioned)
Conclusion: Don’t know whether it is more creative or taking dumbness to a new extreme... but what the heck, I like this one … since adventure involved.
Experiment 5
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: A pistol, president/ prime minister of a Nation ( if you are a patriot go for that of your motherland)
Procedure: Approach the president and take out your pistol. Strike an impressive pose (like the one in the promos of “James Bond” flicks or any other action hero/ heroine of your choice – no compulsion) in front of him.
Note: There might be a risk of failure in your attempt if the secret service is too intelligent and allows you to shoot the president/prime minister and then award you a medal of honor for saving the country from the embarrassment that he is.
Observation: Security of such people are quite impressive.
Conclusion: The best method to be famous and also dead! Coz besides being in local ‘faltu’ newspaper and being a gossip for few days in your locality you will be famous all over the world – in all international newspapers and Television. Your both dream will come true.
Experiment 6
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: A lot of worst movies ever made.
Procedure: Just watch all the movies in a row. Movies like ‘Chori chori chupke chupke’ , ‘
Note: Movies like “Jaani Dushman” can be hilariously stupid. Don’t forget to keep all these movies in a playlist lest you lose some valuable “Entertainment” time changing the disks or even double clicking.
Observation: zzzZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Conclusion: Quite a painful way to die. Its seriously is….
Experiment 7
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: Rain fall, large varieties of mosquitoes easily available free of cost!
Procedure: Go out in the rain and keep your mouth open. Wait till it is filled with water. Try to drink as much water as possible until your stomach explodes or you choke to death (can also be done with anything to eat, like peanuts or chips or any junk food etc. etc.). If both of the above things don’t happen, the mosquitoes will definitely take care of you, especially when there is an epidemic of malaria and dengue. So choose the place accordingly. A Google search will help you to know where the epidemics have broken out.
Note: You might have a neck cramp or something when facing the sky for long durations. So carry pain killers with you – Surely “you don’t want to be unfit when you kill yourself’. Or else, it won’t account to suicide; it will be like dying of some disease!
Observation: There might be some cases of irritability due to a rash caused by the wet clothes.
Conclusion: This method of dying is only for the human especially having low immunity power and a great patience. It might take time but you will have promising desired results.
Experiment 8
Aim: To kill yourself creatively.
Apparatus: Red, white and black paint.
Procedure: Take off your shirt, paint round concentric circles of alternate colours of white and black and put a big red dot at the centre or if you don’t want to die naked have a custom made bulls-eye on your T - shirt. Now go to a firing range where the army is training its cadets - shooting (what else did you expect in a firing range you dumbasses?) and replace one of the targets with yourself.
Note: Stand completely still for better results. (don’t get too excited to die in STLYE or else your efforts wont give desired result)
Observation: Our army cadets are GOOD with guns (I suppose so. Have faith and patience).
Conclusion: It might make you messy with blood but death is confirmed plus you have an added advantage to be get killed by Army people!!!
Scope for further Research on Miscellaneous Experiments:
- Wearing Red clothes from head to toe and then trying to pull off as a cowboy in the vicinity of angered cattle – FOR BETTER RESULT SELECT RED BULL.
- Chatting on your cell phone on the railway track, holding your other ear with your hand to cut out all the train whistles disturbing you.
- Drying your wet clothes on a high voltage power line. (not for those who have height phobia)
- Do a ‘ghulam’ trick, just with a variation that you don’t jump out when the train arrives
- Try to learn the composition of a hand grenade by opening it.
- Attending all the classes (for better results Pallavi Mam’s or Mani Sir’s lecture) and then preparing the notes as well that too on time)
- Pillion riding with some of the most illustrious drivers of
- Strangle yourself… don’t let yourself to blackout due to oxygen deprivation (now that’s tricky).
- Hearing Himesh Reshamiya’s song .. however I am not very sure of this method but don’t be upset it might work for you who knows – don’t lose hope baka – something will surely work for you. ( even this will give you FAME and DEATH together)
- Well there are always diseases like AIDS, Cancer etc. etc. (if all the above methods fail)
The list is quite endless. But there might still be some more creative ideas and using these you might create your own ideas too. (Permission granted)
You see I don’t want to do away with anything that is inferior. It has to be the best way possible way – Adventurous, exciting, risky, stimulating, exhilarating.
Truly a sexy cool “Idea to die for”! So Happy Dying … till then ….
(Do send me your comments, experiences via mails or just leave scrap- if there’s any Internet connection in the Hell or Heaven where ever you are...) Or else will soon meet you I will come however I will be in Hell ……
Cya … cheers!!!!!!!!!!
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